This weekend, I got snowed in. The plan was not to be alone, but that is essentially how things turned out. My nerves had been shot all week and I was pissed off that the weather was going to ruin my long awaited weekend plans. I was taking this personally; weather forecasters on television were saying, “Jill, there is an 80% change you will need to cancel your plans this weekend and a 95% chance that this will take a toll on your personal life.” What I learned from being by myself for 72 hours was that the weather was not the sole force impacting my personal life. More forceful than the weather were people. And me.
Mostly me? It's not clear. I’ve blamed myself most of my life. But people are fickle and come with so many variables; they are dynamic, constantly changing. People are selfish, they want what they want. Myself included?
Some thoughts from the weekend...
I do things people want and if they’re happy, then I’m happy. I'm a people pleaser. Only, I’m not happy. And because people don't know better, I become personally offended. My unhappiness doesn't matter to them as long as they are happy, getting what they want. And then I classify them as selfish. I don't speak up until it's too late and I'm upset, a selfless victim. And then I just sound nuts. I’m often told I'm too sensitive. Surprise? No one wants to be around this- me, least of all. Surprise? I ended up alone this weekend.
Alone, with myself, was hard. I was self-destructive. Once I became more comfortable with myself, I took the time to do things I had not taken the time to do before. I learned some guitar, and I am proud right now of the blisters on my fingertips. I started reading a new book. I started writing this blog. I explored music I had not before and I enjoyed all activities thoroughly.
It might be better to be alone.
A snowed in self-reflection/realization: for an individual who exercises her independence as much as I do, I am extremely dependent. I realized this shoveling snow.
I accomplished the task of digging my car out of very high and very heavy snow. At first, I was resenting this job. I felt embarrassed because I was alone. A young girl with no help. I could only imagine what passersby were thinking. Someone should be there with me and no one was. No boyfriend and no best friend. Just me. I was angry but had no one to direct my anger at.
And then I remembered that it was my car and therefore my responsibility. It is incorrect to depend on anyone else to have a responsibility for me- I am responsible for me. And guess what? I took responsibility and I did it. I felt accomplished. And I received some unexpected help, too.
A neighbor I had never met helped me guide my car out of the tight space between snow mounds and into the street. I appreciated his kindness more than if I had had a man by my side, shoveling the snow for me, or a friend helping me, with the understanding that I would pay her back later. Their help would have been more for show than appreciated, too. It would be to say to passersby- look I have people that care about me. Really, passersby don't care. I'm the only one that does. Selfish.
So, what I learned from this weekend is, I’m alone but I’m not. I have a responsibility to myself and this may be the best way. And the most appreciated help comes with no strings attached.
I hope I can pass this on.
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