Introduction

My blog is called "Square One" because that is exactly where I feel I am in my life, square one. A recent college grad, I am living in squalor, working at a job that's existence depends entirely upon unreliable funding. My relationship ended, abruptly, and many friends have gone their separate ways. I chose to remain in the city because I honestly believed I was doing the best thing for future I wanted. Three months after graduation, however, it turned out that it didn't really matter what I had wanted. My decision to stay for my job and my boyfriend did not ensure stable work hours or a successful relationship. I am left feeling helpless- powerless over my own life and my own future. I am questioning everything I thought I wanted (a relief, after years of questions and doubts). And nobody really understands. Not exactly. At the moment, I feel wholly "unwhole" and completely lost.

There is a Tom Petty song, featured in my favorite movie, (though it is not a favorite among many), "Elizabethtown." The song is called "Squre One." It is the inspiration for the idea behind my blog. In the song, Mr. Petty looks back on his life of trouble and fear. He had to endure all of the trouble and all of the fear in order to "get back here," to square one. Mr. Petty sings with a sense of relief and contentment, having finally arrived, after a "long time," at square one. His "slate is clear." Finally. But, I am not content or relieved to be at square one. I am not okay and my slate is not clear, I carry heavy baggage everywhere I go. And everywhere I go, I am lost.

Perhaps I needed to get lost to find anything real. Perhaps I needed things not to work out so that the right things could. And perhaps I need to work hard to be okay with all of my loss and the resulting, overwhelming, dissapointment I have experienced. "Yeah my way was hard to find, Can't sell youself a piece of mind."

This song brings me hope and new perspective. Maybe I am not so lost- maybe I am just at square one. Maybe my slate can one day be clear. It is not going to be easy, it is going to take "a world of trouble and world of fear... a long time..." When that day comes, I will sing along with Mr. Petty (though unbearably out of key), knowing that I have endured loss and managed to find my way. And the people and things that are important and meaningful in my life, will still be right here, with me.